The Day I'll Never Forget

I had a friend named Kerrigan who once told me that

it was hard to eat because she had anxiety. 

I would try to feel bad but in the back of my mind

I would think, "It's easy, just eat the food"

She would disappear for hours to the bathroom during cheer camp or at dinner

Only to come back quiet and pale. 

I felt like the horrible person I was being internally

yet I stayed quiet. 

In high school, she loved everyone

And everyone loved her.

She had more friends than most people I have known through my life

always making sure everyone felt as loved as the next

I always wanted to be one

I always did feel like one, 

Yet I always wanted to be perfect, 

until I found out there is no perfect in this world

Over a year ago Kerrigan drove off of the side of an embankment, 

crushing her car 

Dreams 

and her frail cadaver that had been so filled with love

I got a call from my now ex-best friend 

with her haunting words saying

"Kerrigan's passed away" 

and with every slow heart beat my head screamed no this can't be happening

But it did. I have the colored scars to prove it. 

I used to think people were perfect, and if they could give so much love that they were happy. 

If I could I'd ask Kerrigan, who is now permanently laying silently in her final bed, 

while we, the imperfect ones, 

sit, stand, walk, run in her place, 

telling stories, 

raising families, 

hurting ourselves,

hurting others because this person taught us that 

Loving and giving are something that everyone should do

And we don't know how. 

And we don't want to because we aren't ready, 

We aren't ready to say goodbye to God's angel

We can't accept that everything does happen for a reason

No matter how twisted. 

[Pause] 

In high school, I met a girl named Kerrigan, who loved to sing. 

She taught me how to be imperfect. 

And the day she left I learned that our time together 

on this earth; was indeed

Perfect.

The Marathon

J.15.16

I want to run

away,

step by step

Lay my head down 

And rest my eyes

Forget the pain

Sorrow

Hurt

that covers up

Being stuck in

A whirlwind of

Never ending

Disappointment

I am my own

Best Friend

and

Worst Enemy

Which will come out

The Light

or

My Shadow Self

Poems From The Other Side- Angel

You are beautiful and I know on certain streets on certain blocks it is easy and dangerous for a woman to be beautiful Easy because people like beauty like to touch taste now give open legs and hearts and wallets for beautiful Dangerous because people envy beauty seek to destroy what they worship And you are beautiful it would be easy and dangerous to leave you there to only see eyes lips skin easy and dangerous to make you a body with a pussy just a face a Her to cling to in the dark and moan but I have found you beautiful in ways, that cannot be seen only felt and known touched the way children with heart and soul you are beautiful are beautiful the way hope is beautiful A sunrise from a rooftop in Brooklyn you are that kind of gold light against bricks and concrete something to believe in hold on to dream about hope for it would be easy to not see you the girl and woman underneath survival instincts underneath the hustle and street wisdom Even from me sometimes you hide or run maybe even lie about the things you've done and do to eat and rest and feel (or not feel) But I dream about you
I throw poetry at the places where you are lonely and hope it lights your way I see you Inside and out And there is not a part of you I do not like easy or dangerous right or not I like you. I give you these words to place against the parts of you that are lonely and scared hidden Hold them up to a sunrise let them show you where your true beauty lies”

Safety

What is safety

Is it feeling safe

Secure

I want to feel safe

Home

But do I really

Why not let them come

Inside my sanctuary

Inside my mind

Feed off my fears,

My hopes and dreams

My sadness and horrors

They say have strength

I don’t recognize that word anymore

Rough terrain

Overtaking my steps

Every direction I go

While I lie down on a bed of nails

Each night  

Awaiting for them to pierce my fragile and tired skin

Until morning comes

Transfusing its life into me once again.

Only to hope for another torturing night  

My doomed future

My sweet dispair

The girl who fell apart

I'm the girl who fell apart

The girl who couldn't keep her smile on.

Who wanted to be selfless by being selfish

The girl who only looked at people who were her 

Living mirrors

I'm the girl who wants to be wanted

Who needs the attention

I'm the living hypocrite

I'm the inspirer who can't hear myself speak.

I'm the giver by taking. 

I win by hate and I lose by loathing

I hate myself in an ultimate battle to love myself

I hate myself because I will never be good enough to anyone else. 

I am my worst critic

I'm the girl who loves death 

And craves it with all her blood but

Can't breath at the thought 

Of not existing 

I'm falling apart 

Silence

Silence is something I welcome 

When I lay my tired head down

Just above my burdened and aged body

Darkness welcomes my aching heart 

Into the stillness of time

Tears keep my skin smooth

As I burn from the 

Fires that are my sins

Barbed wire pierces my wrists 

Letting me know 

 "Trust no one"

The shadows whisper

I sob as quiet as I can

So to show no fear

But still keep my wrecked 

Cadaver from exploding in screams

Safe Word

You like it rough?

Oh, honey I will give you rough

I’ll show you how to beg for mercy

How to know fear

Safe word? You don't get that.

What I say goes,

Now put that mouth to use.

Ow?

How did that hurt

I barely pulled your hair

Now get on top

Is that all you’ve got

You must not want it

Then show it

Do I have to take over already?

We just started

You must not be trying that hard

Shut up, and be a good girl

But first,

Put that mouth to use.

Never Forget

They say you never forget

Your first.

You never forget the first moment

You felt vulnerable

The moment they were the world

And you weren't theirs

The times you began to second guess

Everything you were, you loved

You kept your heart  locked away until the “right” person

Came and weaved you a bed of lies and deceit

For you to pour your heart and soul into

And lay your tired head on at night

Until everything you knew and suffered

resurfaced and you are solely a gaping scar that

Burns and hasn't healed and you don't know how to trust because you find yourself always

ALWAYS

Asking “what if?”

What if this isn't the answer

What if I made a mistake?

But you can't go back because of all the good things,

because too many good times happened.

Because you gave into the bed of lies and hurt

and betrayal until you became a cohort of destruction.

But every time you look into their eyes you can't imagine

A different future because this is you

and this is you with them

This is now and why fear life when it is happening now?

“Stop existing, and just live”

Oh right, I forgot to take another breath. It's hard to do this.

Broken

“Don’t touch that, you’ll make it worse!”

I struggle to grab and it but it slips through

My shaking fingers

I want to hold it

And pick up the pieces so that

I might be the one to put it all back together

Like the vase I broke when I was five

“That is why you don’t touch what’s not yours!”

My grandma chastises me

as I cry tears of desperation

Because all I wanted was to be elegant

like that old woman I saw

Across the room

when we had Sunday brunch.

I think of this as I stare into its cold, dead eyes

And slowly panic overtakes my frozen body as I

Plan escape from this situation

I close my eyes, my hands fall silent

And I accept its truth as mine.

I pick up what is left of my glass heart,

Look them in their burning sights one last time,

And smile for my last portrait